Name of Child and Name of Dog

At this rate, don’t be shocked if your accountant asks, “Name of child and name of dog?” Because America’s obsession with pets—especially dogs—has officially crossed into family-member territory, minus the college tuition and curfews.

Look around. Dogs have health insurance. Dogs eat better than most single men. Dogs get birthday parties, daycare, spa days, and holiday photos. Meanwhile, actual dependents are out here surviving on chicken nuggets and Wi-Fi. So, the question practically asks itself: why aren’t dogs already on your tax return?

Pet owners drop thousands every year—food, vet bills, grooming, boarding, training, emergency surgery that costs more than a used pickup truck. That’s real money. That’s dependence. Your dog doesn’t work, doesn’t contribute and absolutely relies on you for survival. Sounds suspiciously like a dependent, right?

And let’s be honest—many couples are skipping kids altogether and going straight to the dog. They call themselves “dog parents,” argue over names and refer to the animal as “our baby.” If that’s the case, shouldn’t Uncle Sam acknowledge the emotional, financial and psychological burden?

Imagine the write-offs. Vet bills deductible. Food credits. “Emotional support retriever” exemptions. Rescue dogs get bonus points. Suddenly, adoption rates skyrocket, shelters empty and America becomes a nation of wagging tails and itemized deductions.

Of course, the IRS isn’t there yet, but give it time. Once someone in Washington realizes how many votes live in dog parks, the paperwork will follow.

Until then, keep receipts, scratch behind those ears and don’t be surprised if someday soon your golden retriever is legally worth more than your old college roommate. Because in modern America, dogs aren’t just pets anymore, they’re dependents in everything but ink.