"Rent-A-Person" - Coming To A City Near You?

If you’ve ever lived in an apartment with thin walls or had a neighbor who believes 2:00 A.M. is the perfect time for a subwoofer test, you’ve probably dreamed of a service like this. Japan briefly had a “rent-a-person” industry that let you hire not just moving help or stand-in relatives, but full-on “scary people” with shaved heads, tattoos, and tough-guy vibes to confront whoever was bothering you. The service was marketed as a way to handle life’s confrontations without actually… well, confronting anyone.

Now imagine a version of that in the U.S. Let’s call it Neighbor Knockers, LLC. You wouldn’t be hiring gangsters, you’d be hiring “professional mediators with presence.” Basically, big guys who look like they bench-press Buicks but also know how to smile politely while saying, “Hey buddy, maybe cool it with the leaf blower at 6 a.m.”

The pitch is simple: Americans already outsource everything. We order meals, groceries, dog-walkers, babysitters, and even someone to assemble IKEA furniture. Why not outsource confrontation? For the conflict-averse, this would be like Uber Eats, but instead of tacos, you’re getting peace and quiet.

Of course, the U.S. version would need guardrails. Background checks, liability waivers, maybe even de-escalation training, so no one accidentally turns a noise complaint into a Cops episode. It would probably start in big cities like New York, L.A., or Houston, where noise complaints and neighbor drama are practically a way of life.

Think of it as a support service. It could thrive. After all, in America, if there’s a demand, there’s usually an app on the way.

Would it get messy if your neighbor also hired scary people? Absolutely. But let’s be honest: that sounds like a pay-per-view event waiting to happen. Let the paid guys go at it while we all watch!

So, keep an eye out for this new industry and always check the peephole before answering the door. Better yet, be neighborly and you’ll never have to worry!

Doug O’Brien